A Touch of God.
Matthew 6:33 “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and these things shall be added unto you.”
Now to some this may sound like some sort of bribery, or exchange. You give me this and I’ll give you that, and it is alright to think that at first we all restrain from following God because we have so many questions; and because some things sound improper to us. I realized that it’s all a learning process, you learn (study the bible & listen to the word), you understand (grapple what you have learnt and dilute it to your own understanding), and then figure out what it means to you (apply the word to yourself and your life). That is when you can move forward.
For me seeking the kingdom meant that I would get what I wanted the most. A relationship with God and eternal love. The world is crowded with beings who’s judgments and emotions towards you can change at any moment no matter what they say, and I can’t hold on to that. It also meant that I would get eternal peace; the world is crazy enough as it is, and whether or not you choose to accept society’s invitation, to follow it’s trends and direction in life; or not, you will still be caught in some sort of chaotic distraction. And last but not least I would receive eternal joy. I knew that after receiving the first three things the fourth would come easy. I would receive joy because I have those three things. Therefore after applying Matthew 6:33 to my life I was able to move forward, and since moving forward I’ve never looked back.
With time I began receiving more than I had asked for, I began receiving things God knew I needed but I didn’t know. With that came blessings, which I felt I was undeserving of. I thought, “I still sin though.” I still say the “S word” occasionally when I get frustrated. I still lie when my mother is looking through me with her sharp eyes and I’m too afraid to tell her the truth. And I still sometimes think mean things about that one person who means nothing to me but still gets to me. Therefore I was confused, why was God rewarding me and showing me love when I still couldn’t get the simple things right? He soon answered me one Sunday when I was listening to my spiritual father speaking the word of God. God measures things differently to us. What if he acknowledges the little things that count. What if he see’s the fact that I spend more time trying to be loyal to him more than I do cursing and lying. He knows how difficult it is for us to restrain from the sinful ways of the world and so he looks past those mistakes and focuses on what’s important.
Moving forward I began to feel like nothing else mattered, if I had God I was good. I also began binge listening to William McDowell’s album “ Arise (The Live Worship Experience). That album really got me through.
*Side note: Go listen to it.
Thankfully I don’t have the sob story about how my friends began “defriending” me as I continued to be drawn closer to the Lord. They were actually so intrigued and supportive. I was so grateful. But you always have those few people who throw Matthew 6:1 at you. However I didn’t worry because I had gotten to a point where nothing else mattered. I didn’t care who I was pleasing, or who thought my transition was fake. All I cared about was God. If he was happy with my actions, if he was happy with the decisions I was making, did he trust me and was I making him smile. That’s all that mattered and I believe that is what has kept me going, I haven’t forgotten who or what it’s all about.
At that point William McDowell’s “I surrender all” and “All I want is you” were really coming into play. I would worship and pray alone in my tiny boarding school room until I would cry. Then I would sleep like a baby after cause I would feel so exhausted but also at peace. I would wake up in the morning and think of how out of this world everything felt, I didn’t know what was happening or who I was becoming. But I remembered Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
Sometimes you just need to stop asking questions and stop trying to understand every single thing. Let everything be, let go, and let God. It can be overwhelming and scary, but that is how you learn to trust him. Sometimes worrying too much or questioning too much distracts you from progressing in your journey; God will never lead you astray. If that’s not enough ask God all the questions, turn to the bible – you’ll be surprised how it literally has the answer to everything. I recently learnt that. If you need more ask a spiritual leader, or your gran – elders are super wise about the word of God. I recently learnt that to. And don’t forget everything is a learning process.
I’m not a professional in this field, I’m still in phase 1 and I still face bumps along the way, I don’t think one ever stops. However you face more good than bad. It’s not easy going through this or accepting God especially at this age when every alcohol, party and lifestyle advert is encouraging me to be their best friend. But I guess what keeps me going is the question of how long do I have in that world, will I enjoy it forever, will I ever be truly happy? Or will I only be happy that one night, then it’s back to reality the next day. It all sounds so boring to me, I’m having so much more fun now, the only time I’m sad is when I’m feeling physical pain because my sister hit me too hard when we were goofing around. God isn’t boring to me.
I hope now someone out there understands and is inspired by this. With that said, our lives are different, it’s meant to be that way; it’s how we learn our different lessons. I’m not saying some people are doing it wrong or right, this is just how I do it. I know that they say you’re young once, and that your teen years are the years of mistakes and fun blah blah. I am having fun. Besides if I have God, nothing else matters.